I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid
> > problem?'
> >
> > When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> > realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
asked
>him
> > to forgive me.
> >
> > Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale
and
> > sold the engine?
> >
> > I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go
> > swimming.
> >
> > I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on
> > with my real ladder.
> >
> > I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered
> > French Toast during the Renaissance.
> >
> > A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
>Motorists
> > are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
> >
> > Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But
>one
> > day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
my
> > bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on
it was
> > sticks and stones all the way.
> >
> > My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why
>he
> > got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
> >
> > Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a
> > good hand.
> >
> > I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said
> > 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
> >
> > If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
>meat?
> >
> > I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give
> > the wrong answers.
> >
> > You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
> >
> > Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things
> > they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> >
> > I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> >
> > Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've
> > forgotten this before.
> >
> > I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

peter kay lines

oh i thought this topic was some code for some sort of drug u do in lines

*grabs coat*

TAXI!

Excellent jon!

some of these are very funny but steven wright must be fed up with people nicking his material and calling it their own

alasdair

Was wondering the same thing

steven wright is a deadpan canadian comedian who, ages ago, wrote a bunch of those lines which you posted. he's one of my favourite comedians and i hear his stuff recycled by other comedians and passed off as their own quite often.

some of those are also from jack dee as well - not sure if he's still around in the uk?

here's a steven wright website: http://www.stevenwright.com/index.shtml

if you are talking about the 'phoenix nights' guy, i know who peter kay is.

alasdair

Also, I've seen Emo Phillips do the 'Guess' line on TV. And that was years before Peter Kay became famous.

maybe these werent even peter kay lines at all then i goit by email under that title but people could have sent em thinkin they were peter kay 'style' jokes? he may have never told them in his life!

^ indeed. i just think it's right for people to get credit appropriately. especially a comedian like steven wright who's given us a huge amount of brilliant, original humour.

alasdair

Peter Kays a legend too!! funny as fuck!! check out his live at the top of the tower video/dvd/free to download?
top stuff!!

cool. i'll see if i can track it down

alasdair

think ul find it on www.imesh.com so iv just been told anyway