Here are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to
their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married
to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and
go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and
East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
gentlemen... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f*****g hand stuck in the
door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause...) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the
man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the
pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

wow.. quality humour from Ed...

watch less horror. it improves ya jokes...lol

Hehe these are quality.

I was in London yesterday on the central line and the announcer said,

"please be aware that the beeping sound means that you should move away from the doors as they are closing, NOT that you should stand in the way so that the doors can't close and we're all delayed"

and then at the next station he said VERY sarcastically,

"please be ready to alight the train as we are now behind time due to platform delays"

Made me laugh

and

"will the train on platform 9 please get back on the rails"